We are constantly changing. You may have heard that the past is the best predictor of the future. The past only has power if you allow it to. It can only influence the present and future if you refuse to let it go. You want to learn lessons from the past and leave the pain behind. When you become aware of what you need to do differently so that it cannot happen again, the past loses all of its power.
When you think, communicate and behave in a way that leaves you feeling empowered regardless of what your partner does, you no longer live in fear of the past. You become firmly planted in the present.
Change is not only possible, it is actually inevitable. Knowing this allows you to think about and communicate what you want, instead of being held hostage to feelings such as hopelessness and despair. Looking to negative experiences from your past creates doubt and anxiety. It's this confused state that creates the perception that nothing is changing. This slows down your creative energy and makes change painstakingly slow. Your creative energy is that which allows you to change patterns of behavior and communication.
When your creative energy isn't being used to effectively change patterns, you are stuck in the past. To free up this energy you must focus on what you desire instead of what you no longer desire.
Positive change and cooperation occurs when you allow yourself to stay present. The present moment is where all of your power for change lies. By focusing on the present you are free to shift your perception, patterns of behavior and communication without being influenced by negative memories of the past or any predictions you may create for the future.
By expressing your true thoughts and feelings in an empowered way you insist on focusing on the change you'd like to see take place. For example, instead of saying "I'm really angry at you because you're always on my case about this," you can say "I'm feeling pretty angry. I'd like us to get along." Speaking with this clarity of mind allows for changes to occur without frustration and delay. This is the complete opposite of stifling your voice and walking on eggshells.
There are times you may have expressed what you wanted with kindness and respect. Your partner likely responded in anger and eventually you backed down to end the fight. The difference here is not allowing your partner's anger to reinstate the status quo (the past). Remain calm and consistent in your message and disengage from any heated conversation. There are no victims; only volunteers. Don't give your power away by giving in; this doesn't serve either one of you and keeps you stuck in the past.
Over time, when you are consistent, anger shifts into cooperation. This is because your partner's need for connection is strong. Anger (fear) is a negative form of connection. If you no longer engage it will naturally dissipate. All behavior is purposeful. By speaking in a way that communicates the importance of your relationship, your partner will eventually realize that the only available avenue for connection with you is through kindness and respect (love).
Becoming aware that you influence your relationship and your life by your state of mind is essential. This takes place by knowing how to stay in the present and choose thoughts that align with the life that you desire. This is how you communicate what you want instead of what you don't want. Regardless of what is going on, insist on choosing and communicating your true thoughts in a way that will benefit you.
Susan Blackburn is a Relationship Coach, Counsellor, Writer and Founder of Practical with Heart, an integrative mind, body, soul approach to relationships that balances the logical strengths of the mind with the intuitive gifts of the heart.
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