Why Couples Have Such A Difficult Time Reaching A Resolution To Their Conflicts

Conflict resolution is relatively easy in the work place as it has nothing to do for the most part with feelings or taking it personally. In personal relationships, especially with couples it is nothing else but personal. What ever we are taking issue with is what I call The Content. This is the typical thing you fight about from putting gas in the car to why the lights are left on. The Process aspect to these conflicts has to do with the personality issues of each person's inner child and what is on the line with regard to how one feels seen, heard, honoured, controlled, respected, ignored, appreciated, worthwhile, loved, and included. If it were just about The Content, most relationship issues would be solved before the commercial you are watching is over. The "rub" lies in the emotions being triggered from our past.

Each of us carries subconscious baggage into our relationships. Not only is that a factor to deal with, but we also find someone who is not only consciously good for us, but someone who is in our lives to push/trigger the buttons on the emotional baggage. This happens in essence to help us see what we have to work on that is still in our way. Hence, as these buttons are being triggered, our emotions are flying all over the place and so whatever Content issue we are dealing with takes a back seat to the point we are trying to make relating to The Process issue that is very personal. Thus couples get into awful arguments and say terrible things to each other because they are attempting to get validated around some aspect of their "inner child," which is bound up their subconscious unresolved baggage. Therefore, arguments may start out with The Content issue, but quickly become a reckoning regarding The Process issue. Once these are in the mix, resolution around a Content issue becomes almost impossible.

All couples need to know what their individual baggage entails and that of their partners. The more you have a handle on this the less likely you will be to throw a grenade into the mine field. If you can stay away from that or call someone on their "stuff" the better the discussion will stay focused on The Content issue, which will then be easily and reasonably worked through. Conflict resolution is not typically about winning over your partner, but staying with the issue and knowing what you are really talking about.

Gary Richman has an masters in clinical social work and a masters and Ph.D. in clinical psychology. He has over the last thirty years practiced psychotherapy in private practice and at such institutions as Children's Hospital, Cedars Sinai Medical Center, Glendale Memorial Hospital, and Santa Monica Hospital. He has lectured on such issues as Occupational Burnout, Surviving Adolescents for Parents, Assessing Depression and Suicidal Ideation, and Transpersonal Psychology.

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